Saying What You Mean
by mattaweber
Summary: Very harsh words from Beckett cause a drastic change in their relationship. Set between Little Girl Lost and the Season 1 finale. One Shot - Complete. Please R&R. Rated T for some language.


_Set after Little Girl Lost, but before the S1 Finale. _

xxxxxx

Kate Beckett was having a really bad day. It wasn't even really his fault, in fact it wasn't at all. The case they were working wasn't going anywhere, and he was simply being Castle. But after hours of it, she had had enough. "Why are you always so fucking annoying?" she asked heatedly, standing up and starting to pace behind her desk.

"What?" he asked, turning away from the murder board.

"You. Fucking annoying. All damn day, it's this and that, and I'm sick of it. I've met jackasses before, but you take the cake. You don't shut up, you shove your nose in where it doesn't belong, and you won't stop following me around. I wish I had never met you. My life would be so much better right now." Really it wouldn't, she thought as she remembered how his books had helped her through dealing with her mother's murder. But right now she was on a roll, and her anger and frustration were boiling over. When she stopped yelling, she looked up at him, and saw the look of hurt on his face. She thought there would be anger, a need to defend himself, something, but all she saw there was hurt and…betrayal?

He looked away from her for a minute, and then turned back towards her, a determination in his eyes that wasn't there before. His face had transformed from looking hurt to a stony mask that showed nothing. "Fine," he said, walking around the desk to where she stood beside her chair. "I'm done then. I'm so sorry for barging in on your perfect life, detective. I'm sorry that I've caused you so much grief. I hope you solve this case, and I wish you well." He held out his hand for her to shake. She looked down at it for a minute but didn't shake it. For a moment the look of hurt passed over his features again, but was quickly concealed. He dropped his hand back to his side and then walked away.

She flopped down in her chair and started to cry. She hadn't meant to drive him away. Over the few months that they had worked together, she had actually come to like having him around. Sure he was annoying, but he made her job fun, and made her think about having more joy in her life. She didn't know what had come over her. She had never been the type of person who would set out to deliberately hurt someone, but she had just said some of the most hurtful things anyone could ever imagine. _Oh, God. What have I done?_

**xxxxxxxx**

Richard Castle was furious. He thought that she actually had started to like him a little more. He knew he was starting to have feelings for Kate Beckett, but he hadn't been pushy about it. He had just continued what he had always done around her. Of course, the playboy jackass wasn't who he actually was, but he had worn that persona for so long that it fit him well. He used it to protect himself from people, to keep them from hurting him as many had done in the past. But Beckett had been different. He had started to show her some of the real him, and he thought that it had made her like him more.

Now he sees that he was delusional. She didn't care about him at all. All he was was an annoying distraction. He had had some fights with women before, but never before had he been so hurt by the words coming out of the other person's mouth. He stormed out of the bullpen thinking over the things she had said. He knew that if he didn't find somewhere private soon he was going to lose it. He didn't know if he was going to punch something or break down crying, but he knew that he couldn't control his emotions much longer. Instead of waiting for the elevator, he turned towards the stairs. He could feel himself cracking and knew that he wasn't going to make it out of the precinct, so he stepped into the supply closet and closed the door. The tears hit him almost immediately, and the sobs soon followed.

He wasn't a crier normally, but there was something about this woman who just made his emotions go all over the place. He slid down the wall opposite the door and pulled his knees up to his chest. _She wishes she had never met me. Honestly maybe that would have been for the best. _Even though they had only been working together for a few months, he could already see the impact she was having on his life. He was more mature, he had stopped the constant partying, and he had started writing again. Now he didn't know what he would do. He didn't want to go back to being the playboy 24/7, treating women as disposable, and always ending up in some strange bed. He had liked who he was becoming, and he knew that the changes could be attributed to her.

_And Nikki? What do I do about her?_ He had a one book deal, but he knew that the book he was writing was good enough to be a huge series. He had done enough research, but Kate Beckett and Nikki Heat were one in his mind. How could he write one, when the real life detective hated his guts?

_Well, Ricky,_ a voice in his head said, _it's time to grow up. Finish the book, and be done with this character. Move on, and find someone permanent. It is time._

He continued to cry.

xxxxxxx

She had to go after him, she decided after a few minutes. She couldn't let him think that she hated him, because she didn't. In fact she knew she was starting to fall for him, and while it scared the shit out of her, she couldn't stomach the idea of him not being in her life anymore. She stood up and started to walk quickly in the direction he had gone. She turned towards the stairs and heard a noise coming out of the supply closet off to the side. It sounded like sobbing.

_Oh, God._

**xxxxxxxx**

He didn't notice her when she came in. He didn't look up or stop crying when she sat next to him and mimicked his position, her knees pulled up into her chest and her arms wrapped around them. Seeing him like this, so hurt because of her, broke her heart. She had done this. Her words had caused him this pain.

"I didn't mean any of those things, Rick. Really. I'm so sorry."

He finally looked up at her, tears still streaming down his face. He saw that she too had tears on her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Rick. I…I'm glad I met you. I'm glad you forced your way onto my team and into my life. I was just frustrated with this case and I took it out on you and said very hurtful things that I didn't mean. I don't hate you, Castle. At first I did, but not anymore."

His breathing was slowing down now, but he was still silent, not really knowing what to say. He looked away, unable to meet her gaze any longer. He took a deep breath and decided that he needed to tell her the truth.

"I don't think that I can do this anymore, Kate. Your words made me think, really think about why I'm here, why I'm doing this. Sitting in here made me realize something. I'm not here to do research anymore, not really. I'm here for you," he revealed, still not looking at her. "Honestly I think I've started to fall in love with you. You saying the things you said made me realize that I've been fooling myself, even if it wasn't consciously. I thought maybe…" he trailed off, and finally looked into her eyes. "The truth is that you've changed me these last few months, and I don't want to go back. I'm not the playboy that you think I am, I'm not the man you see on page six. That's just the mask I put on to sell books. I thought that maybe I could start to show you the real me. But I can't keep fooling myself into thinking that maybe one day…" he trailed off again, looking away.

"Castle – Rick, stop talking for a minute," Beckett said, tears still running down her cheeks. She took a few deep breaths trying to get her thoughts in order. She had no idea he felt like this about her. She thought that she would just be a conquest, a one night stand, and that wasn't what she was looking for. She wanted a one and done, and up until now she didn't think that that could ever be Richard Castle. But she still needed to be sure.

"You're not fooling yourself, Rick," she said with a small voice. She sniffled and continued, "I don't know, though what you want from me. You say you love me, is it love like you had for your two ex-wives? Is this still just about a few romps in the sack and then you'll forget about me? What do you want? I couldn't stand being a one night stand with you, Castle. I like you too much, love you even, for that to happen."

He looked back at her, his eyes a clear blue. "It's all different with you, Kate. I loved both Meredith and Gina, but it never felt like this. When I was young all I wanted was to find my true love. Sure I had my flings, and that is what Meredith started off as. But then she got pregnant with Alexis and I proposed because it was the right thing to do. I loved her because she was the mother to my child, and you know how much I love Alexis. Marriage to her wasn't easy, mostly because even when she was around she didn't want to be a mother. Even then, though, I could have seen myself with her forever if only to keep her in Alexis' life. Then I came home early from a publishing party one day and found her in our bed with her director. Needless to say, the marriage was over after that."

"Oh, God, Castle, I'm so sorry, I just assumed..."

"You assumed that it was my fault. I know. I've never given you a reason to think that it _wasn't_ my fault. I thought that I had found true love with Kyra, but she left me when it got too serious, Meredith cheated, and Gina…Gina didn't love the real me. She loved the playboy author, and all she wanted was that. It was fine for a while, but I'm not that guy at home, so when she saw the real me, we started to fight and it eventually led to the divorce. So you ask what I want? I want real. I want forever. I want always. But I've never found it."

Kate lets out a sob. "I want that too," she cried. "So much. I didn't think that there'd be a chance…" she trailed off thinking and trying to get her tears under control. "I didn't think that we'd want the same thing."

"Yeah, well…" he said as he wiped the tears from his face. "Listen, I'm gonna go. I've said too much and now…" He stopped talking when she saw the look on her face. "What?"

"You can't leave. Not after saying all that. You love me?"

"Yes."

"I love you too," she said as she leaned forward and brought her lips to his. At first he didn't react because _Holy Shit! Kate Beckett's kissing me_. After his mind caught up and got passed the shock he started to kiss her back. He put his arms underneath her and lifted her onto his lap, never breaking contact with her lips.

After what seemed like hours and seconds all at the same time, they finally broke apart. She looked at him from underneath her lashes and gave the brightest smile he had ever seen. He knew that he would spend the rest of his life wanting to put that smile on her lovely face.

"Wow," she said breathlessly.

"Yeah," he agreed. He leaned forward and kissed her again just because he could, and he knew that he'd never get enough.

When they broke apart, she looked at him again and said, "I'm so sorry for what I said, Rick. But in a way I'm glad I said something. It's odd that me yelling things that I didn't mean led to the most honest conversation we've ever had."

"I'm glad we're here too, Kate." He went to stand up, dragging her with him. He took her in his arms and hugged her tightly. "But I think that we need to go get the case solved. I want to buy you dinner at a reasonable time, and we can only do that if we've gotten somewhere on this damned case."

She smiled, "Geez, Mr. Castle, is that your way of asking me on a date?"

"Not extravagant enough for you?"

"Nah, I liked it. I don't need extravagant. I just need you."

"You have me. You can always have me. Always," he said as he followed her back into the bullpen, knowing that the future was bright, and that they had just started something amazing.

xxxxxxxx

**A/N – Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and let me know what you think!**


End file.
